Monday, July 7, 2014

It has come to my attention today when considering venturing into a new career offer that my husband wants me to be sheltered. He likes me having a lot of time off to be at home and travel or spend time with family. He works a lot but doesn't really want me to. He wants me to be home when he gets home. He doesn't even want me to go over a job opportunity that makes over 50 percent more a year because he doesn't think I would like working so much, and it might be hard. It also might be unstable, I might have to travel a lot. My job now is easy, he says. He says I am spoiled by my schedule, and no other boss will baby me the way my current one does. He says I have it made, and why would I want to give that all up. Although he is okay with me pursuing my real estate office...and possibly setting up an office in front of his one day. I just don't want to stay in the same place that I am now. I want to grow and progress. I want to be awesome. I want to achieve and do a lot. I don't want to just be a school teacher who gets off at 3:20 and has several breaks and works less than half a year...count 'em...168 days required. I still have another month off. I also want to take graduate level English courses to become certified to teach at the college. And I mentioned cleaning cabins to my neighbor with her. She makes pretty good money doing it, and during the summer I'm not doing anything anyway. I'm still getting my regular checks, so it'd just be bonus. Then, my dad doesn't want me doing anything besides teaching either. He says my schedule is really good, and I make good money for no more than I work. He mentioned the amazing pension I get. Anyway, sometimes I feel stifled. Overly cautious. Like it is killing my spirit. My dad thinks I'm just bored because I have nothing going on right now. I just want something challenging. In a good way. This other job just sounded neat, and yeah it may not be forever, but is that so bad? I would be over a fundraiser project for schools. I would make $50,000 a year. I'd get to travel some, and they'd comp me for that. I'd even be able to work from my house some. It just sounds kind of exciting. And it could be bad, but it could be good, too. I mean I'm sure I'd want to go back to teaching at some point, but this thing just sounded kind of fun. But of course with them both being so down about it, I don't know. Ryan would want me to halt my masters classes and stockpile all my checks for at least six months. It's just that opportunities like that don't just get offered to you out of the blue always. It really could be a once in a lifetime opportunity that I'm going to pass up because of what could go wrong and because of a pension. I just hate the thought of not doing something I'm interested in at 26 because my job could end. They could get all the contracts they need and let me go. I just get the impression that this guy would always have something for me to do. The varied schedule sounds neat. I guess I'm not totally over the idea. $50,000 is a large salary that I wouldn't even make at the end of my teaching career. Yeah, I could lose my job. If that's the worst that happens though, I might be okay with it. Because the best that could happen is way better. The potential reward outweighs the potential loss in my eyes. I could be really happy and have a cool job. I don't know these people that well, but they've been good to me so far and seem to have a good client relationship in the area. I know they want what's best for me, but what if this is it? I know my dad is very pro-government, thus his support of teaching. This would be a set salary though. I guess I just figure if the worst case scenario is me quitting, is that really so bad? Maybe I want a real-world job.

Friday, April 11, 2014

I hate to be a downer, but I feel so much like an outsider in this place. I don't really have anything in common with people here. I feel like I would better belong somewhere else. Where? I don't really know. Or maybe I'm expecting too much to have common ground with every person I work with or meet. Still, it can be hard. Really hard. And I have so many problems. My allergies are ridiculous and to the point that I have to get shots every week. I'm always coughing up stuff or blowing my nose. My blood sugar sometimes gets out of whack, and I think people think I am making this stuff up. Do they really check on me because they care, or is it to get dirt to use against me? Why do I have trouble trusting people's motives? I said that I wanted to forgive, but what about forgetting? Does that happen? I want it to. I want to believe the best in people because it is so much more awful for me not to be trusting.

On a different note, I think I have learned the importance of not talking too much in order to be likable. It's hard to follow people who talk in excess. Simple is best with kids and grown-ups, too. Do you see how all I think about is people liking me though? I am half the age of many people I work with. I just get the feeling that this one person is intentionally trying to screw me over. I have a few different reasons to think so. Not paying me back yet, saying she thinks I would enjoy another grade better, asking what doctor I went to...all ways of causing me problems. Okay, does that sound paranoid?

Sometimes I do want to start over somewhere new. I don't really want it to be in third grade because of stupid testing. Plus I think I like the age of the kids I teach now. But somewhere else...something else.

I think the biggest reason I get upset is when I'm doing something I don't like though. And then I take it out on whoever happens to be around that maybe just was a casualty of me doing what I didn't like. Maybe they were just trying to help, and you were too prideful to see it. And maybe your too prideful now to accept this and forgive them for really doing nothing and yourself. In every single instance with this person, I really did do something that I don't like. I was unhappy with me and turned it on someone else. These poor people you take your wrath out on. What if I changed? What if I started doing things I like? IIII like. I can't go against my conscience ever and be happy.

I need to do things I like though, even if I'm criticized for it. At least, I'll like me. That includes going out of my way to be friendly to people. I think that's a good quality. Smiling at people. Being a calm, peaceful person. Not letting complaints slip through my mouth. I don't agree with complaining because God tells us not to grumble. Speaking good things. Even if I get criticism, at least I will be living like a light like God wants us, too.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Year, New Me

I love the feeling a New Year brings. It is a chance to start anew, to be fresh in all things. And I love fresh beginnings. I have some hopes for the year:

I want this to be a year with more to look forward to. I used to love the giddiness and anticipation I would experience from having things to look forward to. It makes life a little more twinkly. For example, I'm thinking of setting a date on the calendar to go back to Osaka for a fun dinner and saving some of my money here and there to make that happen. Maybe January 25th? That would give me 25 days to save and plan for our big night. That would be just a couple days over three weeks from now, which isn't long. And we could celebrate being married two and a half years. That would give us a definite reason to go celebrate with a big night out. Then, right around the corner three weeks later would be Valentine's Day! We could definitely do something special that night like go to Osaka again. Plus, I think I'm out of school on Valentines Day.

This is getting sort of fun, planning things to look forward to doing together. Anyway, that's one of my goals for this make more of an effort to plan things for us to look forward to doing together as a couple to make life sizzle and sparkle! On the weekends in between, I would also like to have some fun traditions to look forward to. Like making French toast every Saturday for brunch and then taking a drive together. Something that we will smile about. Or making a new recipe for dinner with a new mixed drink and drinking in to the evening together just talking or watching TV or whatever. Or on Friday night, invite a nice couple over for chili or burgers, margaritas, and games/movies.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013


It is the night of Christmas. Isn't Christmas just the most special season of the year? It is truly this magical time when twinkle lights, sugar dusted cookies, and a warm smile pull at the heart strings and make everything seem right in the world. I love this season and want to extend it's joy for as long as possible. Tomorrow is the day after Christmas, which is still a fine time to slow down a bit, savor a good cup of coffee, and maybe whip up another batch of a beloved holiday treat! My favorite is corn chips, craisins, and popcorn coated with melted white chocolate. It is the best stuff and isn't Christmas until I've made a batch. I've got my Christmas music on, read 'Twas the Night Before Christmas again, and am thinking it may be time to go get cozy in bed. It might just be time to say goodbye to the most magical day of the year. I love you Father Christmas. Goodnight.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Winter's Quiet Beauty

There is a calming, yet ethereal beauty about frosty winter. Just take a peek at a full winter moon.
It's haunting, right?
This is quiet beauty at it's eerie best.

The ultimate consumer

I am writing tonight because I have come to realize something that could change my life for the better if I will allow it too. I am the ultimate consumer, even though I have been in denial about it for some time. I have thought I do better than most of the people I know, and therefore I am doing well. However, I am wrong. I am comparing myself to fellow Americans, people who live in the land of ultimate consumerism. Compared to someone else living somewhere else, I am indulged. Compared to most of the other people living on the same planet I do. I notice that within in me, there is a person who doesn't like to do without. Or wait for anything. I want to have more than enough always, just in case. There's something scary to me about not having enough, primarily regarding food and money. I can't stand not to have more than enough. Just enough is not comfortable. And comfort is key. What I like and what I want drive nearly every decision. It's not a matter of what's good for me. For example, my weight has slowly creeped up to a number I'm not quite comfortable with, but before I can try to really do something about it, my mind says that I'm plenty healthy, and it just means I have plenty to eat. I'm not going without. I shouldn't give up all the wonderful tasting food I have grown to love, and I certainly should eat to a comfortable level and probably a few bites beyond to make sure I have plenty of reserves. I will choose the friend pickles over a glass of milk and an apple any day. Why? The pickles taste better, and milk has a lot of boring's a luxury. I'll choose a coke over a slice of good cheese...cheese is a luxury and also packs calories. Nuts? Forget it. I'll just have an alcoholic drink. Nuts are way too good and also calorie laden. The four dollar cappuccino? I'll take it, but gee four dollars seems like a lot for a half pound of nuts. So I'll just do without the nuts. Seven for a sandwich combo? Sure, but I'll do without that package of amazing looking trail mix with dried fruit and nuts. Breakfast? That's a luxury. I'll have coffee and scrimp by on unhealthy, yet taste rich fare. That will prevent me from growing in weight, right? Well, what if I stopped being the ultimate consumer of food. What if I was more controlled with my eating and ate more from the ground, not the factory. And what if I indulged in those things like milk, eggs, cheese, and nuts that are so simply perfect? And what if I consumed as little as possible? Then I would truly be saving for another day. What if I applied that to food? That would drastically help our finances.

And clothes, decor, and the like? Well, I have to have the best and be in style. My house also has to be perfect, big, and decorated to a T. I have to appear perfec...and rich.

Friday, December 6, 2013


As a teacher, I have learned that I will actually enjoy school if I give into the will of others when necessary to maintain peace. Chasing peace is far more important than having to always be right. It helps to make things that don't really matter take center stage. It makes everybody happier. I've also found that if I find myself being overly onto a kid, looking for things they are doing wrong, to just ignore them on purpose. It will ruin my peace, plus it's out of balance. Also, with a kid that has problems, it is best just to leave them alone unless they are hurting someone or outright being disruptive. Anyway, I have learned to do that. I had to last year, and I am having to again this year, but I'm just glad I figured it out sooner this time rather than agonizing over it. I've actually had to do that twice so far, but I'm happier now. I'm glad I'm growing wiser. I'm happier now. I'm actually liking school again. That makes me sublimely happy. I don't always have to be perfect or right, just at peace and happy.