Friday, April 11, 2014

I hate to be a downer, but I feel so much like an outsider in this place. I don't really have anything in common with people here. I feel like I would better belong somewhere else. Where? I don't really know. Or maybe I'm expecting too much to have common ground with every person I work with or meet. Still, it can be hard. Really hard. And I have so many problems. My allergies are ridiculous and to the point that I have to get shots every week. I'm always coughing up stuff or blowing my nose. My blood sugar sometimes gets out of whack, and I think people think I am making this stuff up. Do they really check on me because they care, or is it to get dirt to use against me? Why do I have trouble trusting people's motives? I said that I wanted to forgive, but what about forgetting? Does that happen? I want it to. I want to believe the best in people because it is so much more awful for me not to be trusting.

On a different note, I think I have learned the importance of not talking too much in order to be likable. It's hard to follow people who talk in excess. Simple is best with kids and grown-ups, too. Do you see how all I think about is people liking me though? I am half the age of many people I work with. I just get the feeling that this one person is intentionally trying to screw me over. I have a few different reasons to think so. Not paying me back yet, saying she thinks I would enjoy another grade better, asking what doctor I went to...all ways of causing me problems. Okay, does that sound paranoid?

Sometimes I do want to start over somewhere new. I don't really want it to be in third grade because of stupid testing. Plus I think I like the age of the kids I teach now. But somewhere else...something else.

I think the biggest reason I get upset is when I'm doing something I don't like though. And then I take it out on whoever happens to be around that maybe just was a casualty of me doing what I didn't like. Maybe they were just trying to help, and you were too prideful to see it. And maybe your too prideful now to accept this and forgive them for really doing nothing and yourself. In every single instance with this person, I really did do something that I don't like. I was unhappy with me and turned it on someone else. These poor people you take your wrath out on. What if I changed? What if I started doing things I like? IIII like. I can't go against my conscience ever and be happy.

I need to do things I like though, even if I'm criticized for it. At least, I'll like me. That includes going out of my way to be friendly to people. I think that's a good quality. Smiling at people. Being a calm, peaceful person. Not letting complaints slip through my mouth. I don't agree with complaining because God tells us not to grumble. Speaking good things. Even if I get criticism, at least I will be living like a light like God wants us, too.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Year, New Me

I love the feeling a New Year brings. It is a chance to start anew, to be fresh in all things. And I love fresh beginnings. I have some hopes for the year:

I want this to be a year with more to look forward to. I used to love the giddiness and anticipation I would experience from having things to look forward to. It makes life a little more twinkly. For example, I'm thinking of setting a date on the calendar to go back to Osaka for a fun dinner and saving some of my money here and there to make that happen. Maybe January 25th? That would give me 25 days to save and plan for our big night. That would be just a couple days over three weeks from now, which isn't long. And we could celebrate being married two and a half years. That would give us a definite reason to go celebrate with a big night out. Then, right around the corner three weeks later would be Valentine's Day! We could definitely do something special that night like go to Osaka again. Plus, I think I'm out of school on Valentines Day.

This is getting sort of fun, planning things to look forward to doing together. Anyway, that's one of my goals for this year...to make more of an effort to plan things for us to look forward to doing together as a couple to make life sizzle and sparkle! On the weekends in between, I would also like to have some fun traditions to look forward to. Like making French toast every Saturday for brunch and then taking a drive together. Something that we will smile about. Or making a new recipe for dinner with a new mixed drink and drinking in to the evening together just talking or watching TV or whatever. Or on Friday night, invite a nice couple over for chili or burgers, margaritas, and games/movies.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Christmas

It is the night of Christmas. Isn't Christmas just the most special season of the year? It is truly this magical time when twinkle lights, sugar dusted cookies, and a warm smile pull at the heart strings and make everything seem right in the world. I love this season and want to extend it's joy for as long as possible. Tomorrow is the day after Christmas, which is still a fine time to celebrate...to slow down a bit, savor a good cup of coffee, and maybe whip up another batch of a beloved holiday treat! My favorite is corn chips, craisins, and popcorn coated with melted white chocolate. It is the best stuff and isn't Christmas until I've made a batch. I've got my Christmas music on, read 'Twas the Night Before Christmas again, and am thinking it may be time to go get cozy in bed. It might just be time to say goodbye to the most magical day of the year. I love you Father Christmas. Goodnight.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Winter's Quiet Beauty

There is a calming, yet ethereal beauty about frosty winter. Just take a peek at a full winter moon.
It's haunting, right?
This is quiet beauty at it's eerie best.






























The ultimate consumer

I am writing tonight because I have come to realize something that could change my life for the better if I will allow it too. I am the ultimate consumer, even though I have been in denial about it for some time. I have thought I do better than most of the people I know, and therefore I am doing well. However, I am wrong. I am comparing myself to fellow Americans, people who live in the land of ultimate consumerism. Compared to someone else living somewhere else, I am indulged. Compared to most of the other people living on the same planet I do. I notice that within in me, there is a person who doesn't like to do without. Or wait for anything. I want to have more than enough always, just in case. There's something scary to me about not having enough, primarily regarding food and money. I can't stand not to have more than enough. Just enough is not comfortable. And comfort is key. What I like and what I want drive nearly every decision. It's not a matter of what's good for me. For example, my weight has slowly creeped up to a number I'm not quite comfortable with, but before I can try to really do something about it, my mind says that I'm plenty healthy, and it just means I have plenty to eat. I'm not going without. I shouldn't give up all the wonderful tasting food I have grown to love, and I certainly should eat to a comfortable level and probably a few bites beyond to make sure I have plenty of reserves. I will choose the friend pickles over a glass of milk and an apple any day. Why? The pickles taste better, and milk has a lot of boring calories...it's a luxury. I'll choose a coke over a slice of good cheese...cheese is a luxury and also packs calories. Nuts? Forget it. I'll just have an alcoholic drink. Nuts are way too good and also calorie laden. The four dollar cappuccino? I'll take it, but gee four dollars seems like a lot for a half pound of nuts. So I'll just do without the nuts. Seven for a sandwich combo? Sure, but I'll do without that package of amazing looking trail mix with dried fruit and nuts. Breakfast? That's a luxury. I'll have coffee and scrimp by on unhealthy, yet taste rich fare. That will prevent me from growing in weight, right? Well, what if I stopped being the ultimate consumer of food. What if I was more controlled with my eating and ate more from the ground, not the factory. And what if I indulged in those things like milk, eggs, cheese, and nuts that are so simply perfect? And what if I consumed as little as possible? Then I would truly be saving for another day. What if I applied that to food? That would drastically help our finances.

And clothes, decor, and the like? Well, I have to have the best and be in style. My house also has to be perfect, big, and decorated to a T. I have to appear perfec...and rich.


Friday, December 6, 2013

Happy

As a teacher, I have learned that I will actually enjoy school if I give into the will of others when necessary to maintain peace. Chasing peace is far more important than having to always be right. It helps to make things that don't really matter take center stage. It makes everybody happier. I've also found that if I find myself being overly onto a kid, looking for things they are doing wrong, to just ignore them on purpose. It will ruin my peace, plus it's out of balance. Also, with a kid that has problems, it is best just to leave them alone unless they are hurting someone or outright being disruptive. Anyway, I have learned to do that. I had to last year, and I am having to again this year, but I'm just glad I figured it out sooner this time rather than agonizing over it. I've actually had to do that twice so far, but I'm happier now. I'm glad I'm growing wiser. I'm happier now. I'm actually liking school again. That makes me sublimely happy. I don't always have to be perfect or right, just at peace and happy.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Oh, I couldn't be happier to be HOME. I thought this moment would never come! That once I started back to work, I would no longer have time in the evenings to relax and enjoy the ambiance of my Christmas cottage of a home. I thought I would be a slave to the workplace again, no longer able to enjoy home or its simple comforts. I had a terrible nightmare last night that the school kids were terrible, and I had to paddle ten of them! They wouldn't stop being loud...they were out of control! It was completely awful. Well my nightmare didn't come true thankfully, but I was saddened by the moving of TWO of my students today, two that I did not want to lose. One didn't know he had to move and was of course bawling. He didn't want to leave. I was his teacher two years, and he and his sweet little best friend were in my class in first grade together and then again this year in second grade. I knew he would be very upset. I feel so sorry for him. His mother is not completely with it. I have half a mind to call his father and see what in the world is going on. I just can't believe the other little girl's family didn't get in touch with me to let me know she was leaving either. Oh well. I am probably getting a new student tomorrow, so hopefully that will go okay.

Coming home today though and seeing my porch all decorated in evergreen and red, I just felt utter contentment and peace rush over me, like this is home. This is my sweet, perfect home. You could just tell someone cares that lives in our home...the outside is so perfect. Then, I come inside, and a second wave of peace comes over me and gratitude as I look around the perfectly decorated interior with all of the happy Christmas decorations everywhere. I must go buy a tree for the classroom. Even if it's only for 14 days. It's worth it to have the spirit of Christmas in the classroom. I also need a nativity.  I could ask Ryan if his business could donate since they sponsor my classroom. I just wan to out every thought and care about school aside though. I stress about it and care about it too much, and I am just wiped out after my first day back...and so so glad to be home and ready to get in my Jammie's. I don't even really care if I eat dinner tonight. My appetite has sort of disappeared, but if I can lay in the couch, cozy in my pajamas with a big blanket on and gaze at the Christmas tree, everything will be perfect. Of course, I don't really want to get into the not eating thing again, but I just may not be hungry for a few days, and I'll live.

Anyway, God is good, and I am so happy with the little house he has blessed us with. We have started talking seriously about saving to build a new house. Now, when I am at work I have to remind and ask myself if it's worth me being there to see this come to fruition. And, I pretty much always think it is. After we get 'er done, I can always switch to a more fun job at the winery if I decide I really want to give up my good sized paycheck, good health insurance, and retirement pension. Yep, if it's worth it to throw away around $4500 in total compensation and benefits a month ( yes benefits have a price!) just because children can be unpredictable and annoying. Hmmm...gotta think long and hard in that one!

The main question I have been replaying in my mind over and over though is if we are too young to be building our forever home. What I think sounds good now may not if Ryan becomes rather wealthy. I know that seems like an odd thing to think about. It wouldn't even cross the mind of some. You think you'll stay within a few thousand of your current income and have even less to live on when you retire...I.e. this is probably the most you are going to make! Well the thing about Ryan is that there is about a 50/50 chance that he could end up owning his dad's businesses that have made his dad and step mom very well to do. We are talking it's nothing for them to buy me a $300 cowhide randomly after church one day and one for my friend too because she's never been able to afford one. To spend a grand at the local shoe store on a weekday afternoon. To give $200-$300 clocks as random gifts. To spend a couple grand in jewelry in one evening and to buy two of the same rings for someone because you aren't sure of the size. To buy an ATV that costs as much as a new vehicle and a motor home that looks like a tour bus and cost a hundred grand. To be looking into quarter million houseboats. They have successful oil and gas, transport, and dirt businesses and they spend and give like it's going out of style. Now if we are in that category one day, can you see where I might be wanting a home to match? Part of me thinks that if we are ever that rich though, we can turn our old house into a huge shop or garage or something by tearing out walls. It could be a guest house/storage. I mean it seems like a huge waste, but if we are ever in that category, it might not be a big deal. Or we could build on to the front. I'm just tempted to cross that bridge when we get there if we ever encounter that "good problem." It may never happen that way, and if it doesn't, we will be happy in a comfortable home that fits our budget, and most likely, always will.